She'll Still Be Dead at Halftime
Charlie has to remove a half-naked woman named Wanda (Diora Baird) from his bedroom before Chelsea returns from her ex-mother-in-law's funeral; Jake seems to recognize Wanda but doesn't realize that she is a pin-up girl on one of his posters. Meanwhile, Alan won't let Jake drive the car. Cast *Charlie Sheen *Jon Cryer *Angus T. Jones Quotes *'Charlie': Wanda, what are you doing here? ---- *'Alan': Oh my god, what happened? ---- *'Jake': Enough talk, let's get to it. ---- *'Charlie': Slowly. Slowly. *(doorbell rings) *'Charlie': Quickly. Quickly. Hi, baby. Come on in. *'Chelsea': Oh, Charlie. you are so right about Alex. *'Charlie': Alex? Oh, yeah. Alex. What a sleazeball. Can I get you something to drink? *'Chelsea': No. I just want to get in bed and hold you. *'Charlie': Oh, boy, does that sound good. Let me just say good night to Jake. *'Chelsea': Okay. I'll meet you upstairs. *'Charlie': You know what? Why don't you come say good night, too? *'Chelsea': Why? *'Charlie': Well, you're my girlfriend, and he's my nephew, and... isn't that enough? Hey, Jake... *'Jake': You might want to hang back a sec. I just ripped off an air biscuit. *'Chelsea': What? *'Jake': I farted. Sorry. I get the fancy words from my dad. *'Charlie': Anyway, Chelsea and I just wanted to say good night. *'Jake': Okay. *'Charlie': He keeps his feelings bottled up. Everything else he shoots into the atmosphere. *'Alan': Hi, Chelsea. *'Chelsea': Hi, Alan. *'Alan': Uh, sorry to hear about your ex-mother-in-law. *'Chelsea': Oh, thank you. *'Alan': Oh, hey, Jake. Uh, I could really use for help. *''Jake': Of what? *'Alan': I'm taking out the... whew! I'm taking out the trash. *'Jake': What are you talking about? *'Alan': The trash. I'm taking it out, and I could use your help carrying it. *'Jake': Oh. So now you want my help? *'Alan': Yes, now I want your help. *'Jake': What about the 20 bucks you owe me? *'Alan': Charlie? *'Charlie': Here. *'Jake': Is the trash still out where you can see it? *'Charlie': Never mind. Just go help your father. *'Jake': Fine. *'Alan': Nice seeing you, Chelsea. *'Chelsea': Good night. *'Jake': I could have said 50, couldn't I? *'Alan': You could have said a hundred. *'Chelsea': Can we please go to bed now? *'Charlie': Beds are for amateurs. *'Chelsea': Oh, Charlie. *'Charlie': (sniffing) *'Chelsea': What if Jake comes back? *'Charlie': We'll breathe through our mouths. *'Jake': She really does look familiar. *'Alan': Terrific. Just don't drop her. *'Jake': I can't wait to tell my friends about this. *'Alan'; You're not telling anybody about this. *'Jake': What's the point of doing it if I can't tell anybody? *'Alan': You've got 20 bucks and a memory. Now shut up. Okay, we've got to get her in the car. *'Jake': You want me to pull it around? *'Alan': No, I don't want you to pull it around! *'Jake': Okay, well, then, you pull it around, I'll stay here with her. *'Alan': Be very careful. *'Chelsea (off-screen): Come on, let's finish this upstairs. *'''Alan: Move, move, move! *'Charlie': Chelsea, wait. *'Chelsea': What? *'Charlie': I'm so happy you're back. *'Alan': Hey. *'Charlie': Oh, hey, Alan. Is the trash out? *'Alan': Uh, almost. *'Charlie': Almost ain't gonna cut it. Did you at least clean out my room? *'Alan': Yes, I did. *'Charlie': Good. Good. Okay, well, good night. *'Alan': Uh, Charlie, can I talk to you for a sec? *'Charlie': About what? *'Alan': Um... uh, recycling. I'm not quite sure what to do with the... big jugs. *'Charlie': Oh. Honey, why don't you go up and get comfortable and I'll be right there? *'Chelsea': Hurry. *'Charlie': I will. Okay, first you need to separate the plastic from the glass. Then when you get to the newspaper... What the hell is your problem? *'Alan': She's in Jake's room. What am I supposed to do? *'Charlie': I don't know. Here's my credit card. Take her to a hotel or something. *'Alan': Okay. Chain motel or someplace nicer? *'Charlie': What? *'Alan': You know, uh, room service, ocean view. she won't feel so cheap. Plus, in the nicer places, you have free coffee and breakfast. Assorted pastries, coffee, freshly squeezed orange juice... *'Charlie': I know what a continental breakfast is! Just get the hell out of here. *'Alan': Okay, fine. *'Alan': Oh, Charlie. *'Charlie': What? *'Alan': I'm a little low on gas. *'Charlie': Use the card! *'Alan': Right, right, right. *'Charlie': What? *'Alan': I'm really happy you're trying to make it work with Chelsea. *'Charlie': Go! *'Alan': What the hell are you doing? *'Jake': You said I could have a memory. This is it. *'Alan': Give me the phone. *'Jake': Oh, good idea. I can't get us both in the frame. Can you make it look like we're talking to each other? *'Alan': Forget the picture. We have to bring the car around. *'Jake': Shouldn't someone stay here with Wanda? *'Alan': Yeah, but it shouldn't be you. ---- *'Alan': One ding, one scratch, and you're dead. *'Jake': Dude, mellow out. or You'll give yourself a heart attack. ---- *'Charlie': I'm glad you came back. I don't like it when you're gone. *'Chelsea': I don't like it when I'm gone, either. *'Wanda': Oh. Here they are. *'Charlie': Funny story. ---- *'Alan': All right, you take her head and I'll take her feet. *'Jake': Why do you get to take her feet? *'Alan': Because I'm in charge of this operation and I like feet. *'Wanda': Hey. *'Jake': I guess we don't have to take her to a hotel, huh? *'Alan': No, we don't. Quick get in the car. *'Jake': Where we going? *'Alan': Anywhere we want. We've got Uncle Charlie's credit card. Title quotation *Charlie, to Chelsea, when she interrupts the basketball game they are watching. 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